Choosing Friends: Why You Must Get it Right as You Age

One of the things people take for granted is friendship. It is almost a routine to introduce someone as “my friend.” However, friendships are more serious than we take them. 

When someone stands to tell the world you’re their friend, they mean more than having acquaintance with you. 

A claim of friendship also means a vote of confidence in your character and personality. It means they are willing to be associated with you. They’re putting their reputation on the line for you. 

Unlike people they have consanguineous ties with—the ties that cannot be severed—they don’t have to stick with you. They can quickly drop or cut you off but have chosen you. So, friendship is a big deal, especially as you age. 

To help you decide when choosing friends, we’ll have a deeper look into the dynamics of friendships.

We’ll cover:

1. How to choose your friends
2. Don’t Confuse Comrades With Friends and Vice Versa
3. The Mistake Most People Do
4. Cutting Them Off is Not That Bad
5. Bottomline

Let’s start it off by understanding how to choose friends. 

How to choose your friends

Choosing friends is one of the most important decisions you will make. Unlike family and relatives, who you can’t choose from, you must get it right with friends. 

The most important considerations when choosing friends are character, values, and direction in life. Your friends are supposed to be enablers, not burdens and disenablers. They should catapult you to the place you want to be through their influence and presence. 

Because of these three things—character, values, and direction in life—you need a high degree of self-awareness before you choose friends. 

What character are you building? What values do you embrace? What is your life purpose, and what does it take to get there? You’re ready to make friendships when you understand these three things. 

Your choice of friends should make it easier to achieve those cardinal goals. 

Don’t Confuse Comrades With Friends and Vice Versa

As you choose your friends, don’t make the mistake of confusing comrades and friends. 

A comrade is someone with whom you share a mission, struggle, or ideology. This term is often used in military, political, or activist contexts. The bond of camaraderie is based on mutual dedication to a goal rather than personal affection.

Comrades stick together because their success depends on it—whether in battle, a movement, or a demanding workplace. They have the same enemy, and they must fight as a team. 

On the other hand, friendship is based on personal liking, shared experiences, and emotional support. Unlike comrades, friends don’t need a shared mission; they enjoy each other’s company. Friends confide in each other, share personal struggles, and have fun together.

A comrade stands with you because of a shared cause. A friend stays with you because of personal affection. Sometimes, the two overlap—comrades can become friends, and friends can become comrades in a shared struggle.

The Mistake Most People Do

There are two mistakes most people make in their decisions about friendships.  

Once a friend, always a friend

Most people make the mistake of presuming that once a friend, always a friend. Unfortunately, you can outgrow some friendships as life changes. Don’t insist on besties that the changing seasons of life have made stale. 

For instance, your best friend in kindergarten must not necessarily be your best friend when in university unless they have demonstrated that you’re aligned in ideas and purposes. 

So, I am saying that it’s okay to know when you have outgrown some friendships. However, you must be careful not to be selfish. You have not outgrown a friendship because of money, education, or power. Instead, it concerns character, principles,  life direction, and worldview. 

Falling victim to the illusion of power

Others make the mistake of falling victim to the illusion of power—sticking only with friends of their elevated caliber. 

The friends who have seen you wade through various seasons of life are great accountability partners. They can remind you of life before the current advantages of life—financial muscle, power, academic accolades, et cetera—stepped in. They can save you from messing up by reminding you of what it has taken to be where you are. 

There are friends life will bring your way when you’re at your point of self-actualization. When you don’t mind who picks the tap in a restaurant. Or when you just shop without comparing your wallet with prices. In short, you’re not afraid to use money. 

Such friends are okay for such a life of consumerism. You can agree on taste and preference, and that’s okay. 

However, you must be careful with friends who are attracted to you as a finished product. They don’t know the struggles you may have gone through to be where you are. They can never warn you against the delusions of grandeur (Grandiose delusions (GDs)) —having an exaggerated sense of self-worth, power, or identity. 

Those who have seen you pray for God’s guidance and blessings, beg for assistance, and send documents broadcast can remind you where you’ve come from. When they see you neglecting your wife and children, they can remind you how you “struggled” during dowry negotiation or while wooing the good girl a few years ago. 

Don’t allow power, money, or education to rob you of worthy friends. Do not let social class or other advantages separate you from those who have walked life’s journey with you. Stay connected with them.

Cutting Them Off is Not That Bad

Have you found yourself contemplating cutting off a friend? 

 

I have struggled to validate this approach. I have always been idealistic, hoping things will always work out. 

However, with more time in this world, I’ve concluded that cutting them off is not that bad. 

Especially with age, you need to be very careful. As you grow old, the realities of life become more pronounced—marriage, parenting, career, family, retirement, and even death. You don’t want to face all these with unreliable friends. Again, the privileges of making friendships narrower with age. So, occasional winnowing is the only way to keep up with those who prove true. 

As a principle, friends are supposed to be enablers. Their presence should make you better. You bear each other’s burden (not baggage). 

The reality in life is that people change with time. You could have been bosom buddies in high school or on campus. However, people change and adjust to their different experiences.  

They may have been in a tight relationship with integrity and principles of equity and fairness. But nowadays, they don’t think it is that bad to help themselves with a coin here and a dollar there. Or whatever it may be… name it. 

If the principles do not align, values contradict, and purposes run parallel, it could be time to rethink if such a friendship is still helpful. If you can’t agree on the fundamentals, you may make the tough choice of slackening your grip and commitment to such a friendship.

The Bible asks a significant question in the book of Amos:

“Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3, NKJV)

While everyone is unique and you have different ways of handling things, character, values, and life purpose are crucial. Friends whose fundamentals do not align with yours should join the crowd. 

Treat them with civility and respect, as you would any other person, but don’t keep them in your safe spaces. 

Bottomline

Friendship is a serious commitment. 

It falls into the category of relationships that people have a choice in. While we often find ourselves in families and with relatives by chance, this is not the case with friendships.  Based on current realities, we can initiate, terminate, promote, and cut off friendships. 

As you work on making your intimate and consanguineous relationships work, ensure you only retain friends who add value and help you keep on track.