Complaining in a Winsome Way

Have you ever heard people say they don’t like those who complain a lot or complain at all? What do you think about it? Do you like people who don’t complain even when things do not meet their expectations? Do you think the very thought of raising eyebrows against those who complain is another muzzling tendency of people who do not want accountability?

As you think through it, it would be important to appreciate that everyone’s take and opinion in this matter counts and is tagged to some experience in their life. People raised by temperamental parents or guardians who frequently created a mountain out of a molehill, and found every mess an invitation to call a press of opprobrious epithets, may associate complaints with such ordeals. 

All these notwithstanding, we must accept the fact that the need to raise a complaint will always be there as long as we continue relating with people. In our various circles and relationships, as lovers, family, colleagues, business partners, neighbours et cetera, we will always find a valid reason to complain from time to time. So if you are the type who prefers to have no one complain, you have to be meticulous and only elicit appreciation. Unfortunately, life does not work like that, we only become that with time. Before then, we oftentimes find ourselves a work in progress or in the mediocre middle. 

But while we can complain and be justified, people skills demand something more from us—appreciating the power of dealing with people. Everyone who complains does it to people, and this is the most delicate thing about it. People are emotive and have personality differences, build-up of traumas, and self-esteem issues.  This is why in most cases, complaints if not served well, instead of building end up breaking.

 On the other hand, it would be satire gone wrong to clap for people when they are not getting it right. Something must be done when things are not taking the right shape and progress, or when neglect and slothfulness are demonstrated after sufficient direction and support have been provided to make success attainable. 

But while everyone can complain, it takes a lot of emotional intelligence and interpersonal relations skills to do so in a winsome manner. Complaining in a winsome way is complaining with intentions of preserving or if possible making the relationship better and more cordial. It makes the person who is responsible for the lapse or who is supposed to be guilty comfortable and open to a better way of doing things. When you are in a position of leadership, learning this skill may make you a better and more progressive leader and a top-notch team player.

To complain in a winsome way, you may need to practice the following;

1. Find Something Worth Appreciating First

Appreciation is a tool to balance complaints and make them sit well with the recipients. Before you raise your concerns and let it all out on them, let them have a reason to believe that you are not this caustic colleague or boss who always picks on them. Appreciate them for one or two things they are doing well in even if it is in their communication, punctuality, empathy, etc. Work on building a relationship with them and make them believe you are equally aware of their good deeds. 

This is what I am talking about:

“Write this letter to the angel of the church in Ephesus. This is the message from the one who holds the seven stars in his right hand, the one who walks among the seven gold lampstands:

“I know all the things you do. I have seen your hard work and your patient endurance. I know you don’t tolerate evil people. You have examined the claims of those who say they are apostles but are not. You have discovered they are liars. You have patiently suffered for me without quitting. 

“But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first! Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you don’t repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches.  But this is in your favour: You hate the evil deeds of the Nicolaitans, just as I do.

NLT Revelation 2:1-6

2. Separate the Mistake From the Person

Have you felt like someone wanted to solve you, not the problem? It can happen when you are attacked instead of corrected or called to question. In some cases, this has much more to do with objects of dissatisfaction, especially those people who do not want to separate themselves from their mistakes or successes.

While everyone has—for the sake of their mental health—the responsibility of separating their job description from themselves, those who raise concerns must get it right. Instead of attacking personalities, deal with the issue at hand, and demonstrate that you need it done well by the same hands. 

3. Calm Down 

We all are guilty of speaking a piece of our minds when angered or at the apogee of our emotions. It is hard to be objective and clear when in such a state. Find a way of calming down before you go out to lash the people who need a gentle or competitive rebuke. This helps make you coherent and thoughtful in your choice of words and phrases. Take a cup of cold water, and some deep breaths, then talk it out objectively.

4. Create Hypothetical Situations and Place Them on the Giving End

Creating a situation that places the ‘culprits’ on the receiving end is another smart way of serving complaints in a winsome way. Create an analogy or allegory that places them in the shoes of the antagonised party then ask them how they would have reacted. This will prepare them to appreciate the complaints and see the need to do something about it. 

This is what I am talking about:

So the Lord sent Nathan the prophet to tell David this story: “There were two men in a certain town. One was rich, and one was poor. The rich man owned a great many sheep and cattle. The poor man owned nothing but one little lamb he had bought. He raised that little lamb, and it grew up with his children. It ate from the man’s own plate and drank from his cup. He cuddled it in his arms like a baby daughter. One day a guest arrived at the home of the rich man. But instead of killing an animal from his own flock or herd, he took the poor man’s lamb and killed it and prepared it for his guest.”

David was furious. “As surely as the Lord lives,” he vowed, “any man who would do such a thing deserves to die! He must repay four lambs to the poor man for the one he stole and for having no pity.”

Then Nathan said to David, “You are that man! The Lord, the God of Israel, says: I anointed you king of Israel and saved you from the power of Saul. I gave you your master’s house and his wives and the kingdoms of Israel and Judah. And if that had not been enough, I would have given you much, much more. Why, then, have you despised the word of the Lord and done this horrible deed? For you have murdered Uriah the Hittite with the sword of the Ammonites and stolen his wife. From this time on, your family will live by the sword because you have despised me by taking Uriah’s wife to be your own.

 “This is what the Lord says: Because of what you have done, I will cause your own household to rebel against you. I will give your wives to another man before your very eyes, and he will go to bed with them in public view. You did it secretly, but I will make this happen to you openly in the sight of all Israel.”

NLT 2 Samuel 12:1-12

5. Say it Once Succinctly

Have you ever been in a situation where an individual seems to raise their concerns for eternity? They have said it, but won’t stop. You are demonstrating that you have heard them by your verbal and non-verbal cues but they keep saying it. Is this not a bad behaviour?

When you oversay things, people feel attacked. You make them feel functionally deficient, both in listening and comprehension. Reduce your talking time and maximize on the performance stage. If you need to demonstrate a thing, go ahead and do it. Say exactly what you have concerns with and then let the action begin. 

6. Listen! Listen! Listen!

Listening is another crucial aspect of complaining in a winsome way we need to practice. You have raised your concerns and they have heard it. Don’t ask them to go and do it better. Take time and give a listening ear. 

Ask if they have something to say. As expected, they may not be open enough. Press them a little further but with a lot of respect. Quality questions can be helpful here. Ask them about any challenges they face at home, at work, or with their personal lives. Ask them if there is any support they may need to get things better. Ask them if they enjoy handling that particular assignment or would prefer contributing towards the overall success in another area. When you listen, you demonstrate that you love and care about people. 

Conclusion

As long as we live and work with people, we will find ourselves in these places where we need to either raise or receive complaints. However, while complaints seem inevitable where there are people, it can be done well and in a winsome fashion. Build a good relationship with people, serve them chivalrous and sincere appreciation when they deserve it, and be prepared to raise your complaints in a winsome manner. When you relate well, you build trust, and anytime you have to complain about something, they will understand it as something meant for their good.