Courtship is meant to be a season of clarity, not confusion. It’s time to prayerfully evaluate whether the man you’re considering shares your values, respects your boundaries, and is truly aligned with your future.
Yet many young women ignore subtle red flags because of emotions, pressure, or the fear of starting over.
If you’re navigating career uncertainty, family expectations, and the desire to settle down, you may feel an urgency to make things “work.” But here’s the truth: marriage does not fix warning signs. Instead, marriage magnifies them. What feels small now can become overwhelming later.
In this article, we’ll carefully unpack seven warning signs you shouldn’t ignore during courtship:
- Inconsistent character and double standards
- Disrespect for boundaries (emotional, physical, or spiritual)
- Controlling or manipulative behaviour
- Lack of spiritual leadership or shared faith values
- Anger issues and poor conflict resolution
- Dishonesty and secrecy
- A pattern of irresponsibility
- Choose discernment over desperation
By the end, you’ll gain clarity, strengthen your discernment, and learn how to seek prayer and confirmation before making life-changing decisions.
Let’s begin with the foundation of everything, character.
Inconsistent character and double standards
Inconsistent character is one of the clearest red flags in courtship. A man who behaves one way in public and another in private reveals poor character.
Does he speak kindly in church but harshly to waiters? Does he claim to value honesty but bend the truth when convenient? These are not minor personality quirks. They are bad fruit (Matthew 7:16).
Inconsistent character often leads to:
- Trust issues
- Weak boundaries
- Fear of commitment
- Manipulation masked as charm
You might find yourself constantly rationalising his behaviour. “He didn’t mean it…” “He was just stressed…” But when patterns repeat, discernment requires you to see them for what they are.
Wise counsel warns that character flaws ignored in courtship often become deeper wounds in marriage. Don’t confuse potential with reality. A man’s future is not your renovation project.
And if character matters deeply—which it should—then the next question becomes: How does he treat your boundaries?
Disrespect for boundaries (emotional, physical, or spiritual)
A man who repeatedly crosses your boundaries is showing a lack of respect.
This may show up as:
- Sexual pressure rooted in lust
- Dismissing your convictions about purity
- Mocking your spiritual disciplines
- Ignored boundaries after you’ve clearly expressed them
You might hear things like:
- “If you loved me, you would…”
- “Everyone else is doing it.”
- “Why are you so rigid?”
This is not romance. It is manipulation.
God-honouring courtship respects limits. A man who truly values you will protect your purity, not pressure you. The first person he will protect you from is himself!
Sexual pressure during courtship often signals future struggles with control, idolatry of pleasure, and weak boundaries in marriage. If there is constant tension around physical or emotional boundaries, pause. Ask yourself:
Do I feel safe, or do I feel pressured?
And speaking of pressure… sometimes it’s not just about physical boundaries. Sometimes it’s about control itself.
Controlling or manipulative behaviour
Control is subtle at first. It may look like excessive “concern.” But controlling behaviour eventually restricts your freedom, voice, and independence.
Warning signs include:
- Monitoring who you talk to
- Isolating you from friends or family
- Reacting negatively when you disagree
- Making decisions for you without consultation
- Using guilt as a tool of manipulation
Over time, control can escalate into emotional abuse or even violence. If he has the guts to lay a hand on you during courtship, is it unreasonable to expect being turned into a punching bag after you say “I do”?
A controlling partner may disguise dominance as leadership. But biblical leadership is servant-hearted, not oppressive. If you constantly feel you must shrink yourself to keep peace, that is not love. It’s a toxic relationship forming.
Compatibility issues can sometimes be resolved. But manipulation and control are deeper issues of the heart.
And at the heart of it all lies something even more important: spiritual alignment.
Lack of spiritual leadership or shared faith values
Spiritual compatibility is not optional for a Christ-centred marriage. It is the foundation upon which every other discussion rests. It is the fulcrum that keeps the marriage moving.
If there is a lack of spiritual leadership, you may notice:
- He avoids prayer
- He resists church involvement
- He dismisses your spiritual convictions
- He becomes defensive about accountability
- There is no shared future vision rooted in faith
Values misalignment may seem manageable at first. But over time, it creates deep division, especially when raising children. You must realise too late, it was that serious when you all along thought it wasn’t that serious.
You may also experience a subtle lack of peace. When you pray about the relationship, do you sense confirmation or confusion?
Pay attention to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes God whispers before He allows storms to speak louder.
A man who cannot lead himself spiritually cannot lead a family spiritually. It is that simple. Paul makes it clear in his letter to the Church at Corinth:
“But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3, NKJV).
The head of man is Christ. A man who doesn’t submit to Christ is a headless man. Such a man is a dangerous man. He is the greatest danger to your relationship, before you think about attacks from hostile neighbours, famine, pestilence, et cetera.
And when spiritual leadership is weak, conflict often becomes even harder to navigate…
Anger issues and poor conflict resolution
How a man handles disagreement reveals his maturity.
Does he:
- Shut down and withdraw completely?
- Explode in anger?
- Use insults or humiliation?
- Refuse accountability?
These behaviours are serious red flags.
Poor conflict resolution can escalate into verbal abuse or violence over time. Disobedience to parents, authority figures, or mentors can also signal rebellion that will later affect marriage.
Healthy relationships require humility, repentance, and self-control.
If arguments leave you anxious, fearful, or walking on eggshells, listen carefully to that warning signal. Peace is a fruit of the Spirit, not chaos.
And when conflict patterns raise concerns, secrecy often follows close behind.
Dishonesty and secrecy
Trust is the backbone of marriage. Without it, insecurity and suspicion grow.
Warning signs include:
- Hidden phone habits
- Inconsistent stories
- Financial secrecy
- Defensive reactions to simple questions
Even small lies create trust issues over time.
You may sense something is “off” but lack proof. That uneasy feeling? Don’t ignore it. Sometimes discernment begins before evidence appears.
Wise counsel warns that secrecy during courtship rarely improves after marriage.
Transparency is a sign of maturity. If honesty feels like pulling teeth, ask yourself whether this relationship is built on solid ground or shifting sand.
And finally, let’s examine what daily patterns reveal about his readiness for marriage.
A pattern of irresponsibility
Marriage requires responsibility. This can take many forms, including emotionally, spiritually, and practically.
A pattern of irresponsibility may include:
- Chronic unemployment without effort
- Poor financial stewardship
- Blaming others for failures
- Fear of commitment
- No shared future vision
If there is no long-term planning or serious discussion about the future, that’s not patience; it may be avoidance. To analyse this better, you may need to understand “The Difference Between Waiting on God and Postponing Life’s Decisions out of Fear or Indecision”.
You deserve clarity. You deserve direction. You deserve a partner who sees a future and works toward it.
Irresponsibility today can become financial instability tomorrow.
Choose discernment over desperation
Your desire for marriage is beautiful. But never let urgency silence discernment. Red flags are not there to scare you. They are there to protect you.
If you are experiencing:
- Persistent lack of peace
- Repeated patterns of ignored boundaries
- Ongoing manipulation
- Spiritual disconnection
Pause. Pray. Seek confirmation through prayer and wise counsel. God is not the author of confusion.
Courtship is not just about finding love. It’s about avoiding a toxic relationship that could derail your purpose.
You are not called to fix poor character. You are called to walk in wisdom.
And remember this:
A relationship that costs you your peace is too expensive. You cannot afford it. And if you do, it is because you have had an overdraft of your usefulness, peace, and destiny.
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Your future is worth protecting. Choose wisely.
To help you move forward with wisdom and confidence, we invite you to explore the Relationship section of The Cleaver. You’ll find Bible-based insights designed to help you with your relationship questions and concerns.
We wish you a healthy and God-honoring relationship.
The Cleaver 